Dating. It's weird ay?

And now for something a little lighter ....

Farewell to summer, it's been grand!

I have been off and on internet dating for years. I usually dip into the internet dating pool and find that I get tired of it within a few months before crawling back out. In addition to the internet, I've also met some strange men in 'real life' and learned a thing or two about spanking, a man-child who couldn't accept being liked for his personality (which in turn made him have a shit personality), and a man who moped over an ex girl friend and murmured "you filthy whore" the first time we slept together. Chivalry might not be dead, but one wonders about this lack of charm. Ooh darling, say it again! No. I'm kidding. Don't. Don't say it again.

Finding a good connection with someone is a bonus (or a boner),  but I know that my happiness doesn't depend on it. I do truly get that without a core of peace, no one I meet could ever really 'bring' much to me anyway.
 Imagine my surprise when a young (too young for me) man texted this in one of his messages the other day:
"What I wanted to say is, your profile states that you like it when a man does chores for you. I would love to do that if it makes you happy. Take me in your arms Candice."

I replied "Well you're making me laugh and that's a good start"
and then he said -
"I'm happy if you are! I think we need to set ourselves up Candice, I can't wait honestly. There's an energy around you that I can't explain."

Now I would like to clarify that this attractive young man (28) has not ever met me in person. I didn't know what to say, so I said "gosh!". I actually almost wrote "fuck!" but thought he might not get my warm tone. Admittedly, I was also thinking 'weird boy alert'. Now there's nothing wrong with weird. I like weird. But weird and overly romantic when you haven't met the person yet verges on creepy.

So after I wrote "Gosh!" he replied with "Just tell me exactly what you want, I will submit." and I realised we just weren't on the same page at all. Shit. Got to be careful what you put on your profile. Admit that you're slack at housework and like it if a man does the dishes, and suddenly you have a submissive on your hands.

I thought 'well I really would like someone to do my dishes and I wouldn't mind a massage ..." but I then thought about him begging and whimpering and my values got the better of me!

In recent weeks I've had an experience which has helped me clarify feelings around expectations of others, jealousy, assumptions and the quality of communication. I'm ready to try and explore relationships that are based on freedom. At least, I'd like to think I'm ready. The old models are pretty hard to shake.

In the meantime, I have three really lovely men I'm talking to from internet dating, and I had a nice connection with a guy from the Tepid Baths. He was really gentle and easy to talk to. I'm hoping he is over 35 -  but when we were talking I wasn't thinking about age. I was surprised that he seemed interested in talking as my togs were rocking Glenn Innes innovation rather than Ponsonby chic.

I forgot my bikini and so used what I could as substitute togs; unsexy rugby style shorts and an old sports bra. There's a sign saying you can't wear a bra as a bikini top, but no one kicked me out. Strangely, I felt really good despite my terrible ensemble. I felt at home in my body. I chatted to a really interesting woman about her relationship with her children, I enjoyed watching a man play with his adorable daughter. I liked looking at people. I loved the feeling of the hot water on my body in the spa. I felt whole. I still do.

Some old stuff came up for me this afternoon. I had a good cry. I felt fearful about a few things I have no control over. Then I sat still. I felt my heart beating, and I followed that beat until it slowed down.

I observed what came up as I allowed myself to feel the sadness of old shit coming up to be cleared. Here I am in a room of light.
Awake.
Awakening.