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| This dog gets me. |
A: "I wish I were just a bit more ... normal."
B: "Oh but what is normal?" (slightly bemused or clever expression often accompanies).
A: "Oh, ha ha, yeah, so true ..."
Despite the kindly intent of such an exchange we all know that there are bench marks indicating a standard of what is considered to be healthy and/or normal development in each society. Within that society there will then be further sub-categories according to ethnicity, culture and tastes that we adhere to as we grow. Being socially acceptable depends on the people you spend time with. I have made some people laugh so much they almost cried, and others have looked at me like I'm a pile of excrement. When you get the shit look, you know you're possibly in the wrong camp.
In Aotearoa we have a varied idea of what is acceptable socially - and because many people are nervous about communicating directly they often won't tell you if you have offended their delicate sensibilities. There is a lot of guesswork going on in relationships (all relationships). I find that exhausting as I overthink things and may end up making up shit I don't need to.
A few months back I was trying to clarify things with someone I had been hanging out with. Let's call him Pea Soup. Pea Soup got really irritable when I tried to communicate clearly, a hard exterior coming up faster than his previous erections. Ye gads, a woman just can't win! The example he gave was when I'd directly asked someone if I'd offended them.
Pea Soup explained that this was just not done. I was like "why?" (because how will I mend something if the person won't tell me what's broken?) and he sighed as if speaking to an imbecile -
"What if she was offended and you were putting her on the spot? What if she didn't want to talk about it? What if that made things really awkward for her?"
I think it would be up to that person how to respond. He didn't agree. Apparently I was supposed to say nothing in order to protect the other person from having to reply to my utterly audacious question. Tip toeing around in order not to piss someone off reminds me of being in a romantic relationship with someone who says 'nothing' when you ask if they're okay.
If I decided to hide my feelings and not communicate clearly, I would be dead by now. Hello mental health. Much of the self development work I've done in recent years involves being clear with people, not making up what you think they think, and finding out how to be there for others in the way that they need.
People have to talk to you honestly in order to find out what they need. I'm getting that honesty is just not 'normal' for some people - it's too confronting. They think it's an act of aggression instead of care. I grew up in a time where being smacked regularly was normal (I was really grateful it wasn't with a jug cord or a wooden spoon like my friends).
My mum and I used to have screaming arguments over things like whether I had folded the washing properly or used too much hot water to do the dishes. Okay, I was also a classic one for 'answering back', but by the time night fell I was hugged and told I was loved. Every night.
For some people, 'normal' is to quietly bang your head against the wall, tell no one how you really feel, lie to people in order to get what you want and to value yourself only according to what others value. Maybe it's saying that there is no normal, but then assiduously judging others for not reaching invented standards one holds inside?
Let's admit it - we all have a rough idea of what crosses the boundaries of 'normal' for us. I've had to let go of friendships when I realised the person was mean or super judgmental. People have let me go due to misunderstandings combined with their fear of my direct monologues! That's what blogs are for folks. Get mono. Log on! If they grew up getting good hidings and shouting, maybe direct, honest and calm communication wouldn't give them the shits? I've heard that a lot of people grow up in homes where no one raised their voice! Wow, that sounds pretty fucking crazy to me.
Normal ... is that Neurotypical?
Neurotypical is a word usually given to those who have a brain function considered 'normal' in that they don't have ADHD, autism or other forms of neurodiversity.
Neurodiversity is a term which is used to specifically refer to those with forms of neurodivergence (not adhering to the usual dominant societal standards of how the brain works). There is a whole movement that started with the rights of those with Autism and includes the idea that it isn't a disorder. Difference can be difference. It doesn't automatically make it wrong or broken.
I like the idea of calling my ADHD 'neurodiverse'. It sounds kinder - and we can all do with more kindness. Those with neurodiversity have often been told we are weird or 'wrong' all our lives and have internalized these voices. Having others pile on can be a real mind fuck.
There are those who enjoy your particular quirks and those who just DON'T. I am extremely fortunate that the friends I have are able to enjoy a lot of what I offer that others find so offensive. We don't all have the same idea of normal. I thought I might have to change my personality for awhile, but fuck, it's a bit late in the day. I can moderate certain things in order to be considerate, and I can practice self-restraint to a point ... after all, no one wants to be a dick.
I don't think I'm a dick, but hey, dick standards vary. One man's dick is another man's sick. I have never used the word 'sick' to indicate something good (as in 'oh that's sick bro'). When I say sick I am always meaning vomit or illness.
Anyway, sick dicks aside, I think that practicing kindness and honesty is where it's at. Obviously it isn't in the book of Normal for some people, and there are times when we do have to be very clear and firm about our boundaries. If you don't communicate, then are you just dancing around other people and hoping for the best? I don't see how that could work.
Pea Soup was really rigid in his views - and yet he appeared to be from a creative and diverse social group. It was really scary. I got the 'normal' wrong. He was super conservative dressed up in a K Rd disguise. I didn't attempt to make him understand me the way I normally would. That would only make him uncomfortable. I respected his need to offload. Like a sick dick!
Ha, but seriously, it was good to give a person scared of self-expression the chance to be honest. Pea Soup went from hot to cold pretty fast, but I don't regret it and think he had some lovely qualities. The situation did get me thinking about what was normal and how keen he was to tell me all that I was not. Fuck that. I'm fine. I may not be able to play the 'normal game', but I will continue to connect with others genuinely. Not a mask. Not a tip toeing slave to imagined rules. I may not have a lot of friends, but at least I'm free.
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