Love, Friendship and Death.

True Love: worth the wait.

September 12th 2019:

I am in love with a kind, intelligent, generous man who also happens to be extremely gorgeous. He’s more discreet than me, so I’ll call him R. I am tempted to call him Handsome or Love-face, but it sounds a bit objectifying!

I haven’t written about it so far because of the irrational fear that to be too pleased about something will jinx it. Yet here it is, the kind of love I had assumed was only the territory of romantic comedies. It came at a time when I had decided to be celibate and focus on all other areas of my life. 

I’d been treated so unkindly by a pretentious little turd preceding this relationship that it was like I’d been hit around the head by a ‘wake up’ stick (no, not a knob). When that brief interlude ground to a humiliating halt, two of my male friends were very supportive. Each of them took me out for a lovely dinner that week, and one of them was R.

At the time, R had taken a liking to a very hot co-worker. When he described her I felt a wistful shot of jealousy; I concluded that he would never feel that way about me because I am not that kind of hot.

 What kind of hot is that? It’s Cindy Crawford in 1992 kind of hot. It’s Sophia Loren in 1950’s hot. I find it hard to think of anyone hotter than Sophia Loren in the 1950’s, but R’s co-worker was heading that way. Nothing came of it, but I was surprised at my jealousy. I thought I was completely accepting of the Platonic status.

When I was around 23, R and I would get drunk and hooked up a few times, but I was still recovering from Christianity so it never went the whole hog. In the sober light of day the platonic wall would come up (not from my side!). We had a close friendship that then drifted in our 30’s (he got married and I was also in a ‘serious’ relationship). He connected with me again through FB about 8 or 9 years ago, when I had returned from teaching English in South Korea.

I was a mess in South Korea. My addictive need to be loved must have been like a bad perfume. I’d left behind two selfish lovers in New Zealand and had hoped for a distraction in Korea. I had a couple of unrequited crushes, and one of them was Garreth Knight.

Garreth Knight and me, another night out, 2010.

Garreth Knight is one of those sparkling people that brings so much life into any space he occupies. He would greet you as if you were the best person in the world, the one he longed to see. He sang, he drank, he made everyone laugh. He was the only guy who kissed me for that entire year. It was a drunken affair and because I liked him so much I didn’t let it go further (which is just as well because he appeared not to remember it the next day). 

I just found out this week that Garreth has left planet earth. It was related to addiction and so I guess it might have been an overdose. It feels wrong to ask ‘how?’ when his family and closest friends don’t know me or many of the people that he impacted with his joy and beauty when he was in Korea.

Garreth Knight: that doesn't seem to be his hand on my shoulder.

I’m so in love with R, and so many things are going well for me, and then I find out that someone as lovely as Garreth is fucking gone. I assumed he was happy and doing well. Who has time to catch up with the friends and family in your own city, let alone the ones who were like a family to you in a strange land 8 years ago?

He’s the first person I met from ‘the South’ (Arkansas). He introduced me to Elliot Smith when we met on a bus, the sad sweet sound of that haunted voice shared from his ipod. Before we got too drunk at the Soju festival I quizzed him about love and relationships. He said the only real lasting relationship he’d ever had was “with Maryjane” and admitted his use was out of control back in America. We talked about depression and addiction, but he seemed positive and I put my concerns aside.

I heard ‘Free-falling’ by Tom Petty on the radio yesterday. I sang along and imagined that Garreth was singing along with me - but we’d probably sing ‘free ballin’ and think we were hilarious. ‘Help from my friends’ also came on and seemed fitting.

Garreth Knight

 “Do you need anybody? I just want someone to love”. The problem is that everyone can love you, but if you find yourself unacceptable, that love feels like it doesn’t stick. It can slide off you. Addiction is a health issue, not a moral one. We know that, yet of course addiction is woven into all the aspects of our culture. Coffee wakes us up, sugar keeps us going, and alcohol lubricates the need to relax or even lose ourselves.

Alcohol seems to play its part in many of my friendships, especially when the lines in a platonic friendship are blurred, if only temporarily. That had happened with R when we were young, and for the last six or seven years he hasn’t been drinking and our platonic wall was firmly entrenched. Until March.

In February, an ex-girlfriend of his got in touch and they reconnected romantically over a few bottles of wine. He rang me to talk about how it was going the second week in, and I was really positive and hoping it would work out for him. I want the people I love to be as content as possible - but by the third week he realised it wasn’t working. I visited him a few weeks later and we had drinks together for the first time in around 7 years.

I plucked up the courage (distilled from Pinos Gris) to ask him if he was ever attracted to me. Turns out he was, but couldn’t imagine me as a girlfriend. He was still haunted by the excess behavior of my youth (undiagnosed ADHD combined with low self-esteem and alcohol, woo hoo!).

It was a massive risk, becoming lovers. What if it fucked up the friendship? Well, we’d already de-platonicised it anyway. It wasn’t like we could just go back. I had an agonizing period of time where I knew I was in love with him but he hadn’t quite got there yet. 

It was April 4^th when I knew it was going to be okay. More than okay. The kind of relationship I had always wanted. Someone good. A kind, loyal, sexy, generous and creative soul.

To love is all. We know that don’t we? Of course I don't just mean romantic love. It isn’t always easy, because people are not easy.

 In R, I’ve found someone easy to love. I don’t mean that there won’t be challenges, and I don’t mean that he ‘completes me’ or that I am worth more. It’s just that it fits and I am very thankful that it does.

I’ve been meaning to write about ‘romantic love’ and didn’t do so before finding out that Garreth was no longer here. He’s gone on ahead. It makes life all the more precious; the ceasing of physical breath always reminds us of that. His spiritual breath continues of course. You can hear his voice easily, even after 8 or 9 years. Just put on a song and sing. Yeah buddy.

So here’s to falling in love. Here’s to the friends we’ve loved and lost. Forgive me if I do not raise a glass. I think I’ll have coffee. Rest well dear Knight. 

Part of our 'South Korean Family' in 2010

Garreth's family have a 'Gofundme' account which will go towards helping others with issues of addiction. If you would like to donate, they would likely appreciate it. Garreth Edward Knight.

https://www.gofundme.com/f/in-honor-of-garreth-edward-knight