Love Ramblings, Attachment Types, Contentment!

24th May 2018: My room is a soft and colourful box of jewels. Leaving the door and curtains open, the light floods in and the neighbourhood birds fill me in on everything that's happened since around 5am. I take my coffee onto the porch and sit and watch the Pukeko, Blackbirds and Sparrows; some trees are almost bare and stretch their pale brown fingers in every direction. Prisms pattern the wall. 

Just before bed last night I got a text from a friend who said he couldn't understand how I kept on being open the possibility of love (in the romantic sense). I haven't had my heart properly broken for a few years now, though I've had my share of 'WTF?' far too often. 

Something that has helped me recently was reading up a few of Mark Manson's older articles. I still haven't read his book "The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck", but I'll get there. In one of Manson's posts he talks about "Fuck yes/Fuck no". The point of it is to eliminate that half-arsed kind of interaction, to be clear about your enthusiasm (or lack of it) for another person. It's not a moral judgement or manipulation either; it's gravitating to other people to enjoy their company whether it's for one night or to keep getting to know them with long-term in mind.

I've recently gone on dates where we seemed to connect really well on the first meeting and then on the second it fizzled out or there was a 'warning sign'. I'd been chatted up by a gorgeous guy and gone out for coffee with him twice before I realised that his evasive communication could be a red flag. I noticed the sliding away eyes, the inability to clearly state what he wanted (but his need to hear that I liked and wanted him).

It turned out that the woman he'd referred to as 'living in the same house' wasn't a flatmate, but his partner. He gave 'good reasons' for still living with her and I believed him at first! On the third outing I asked him directly "does she know you are going out with other women and kissing them? Does she know that you consider the relationship over?".
He was evasive as ever and so I let him know that I didn't think it was a good idea to continue getting to know each other in a romantic sense. It didn't feel right.

Another guy was amazingly intelligent with eyes you could get lost in, but he got really irritated by the way I tell stories. I always go the long way around with stories!
 I try to challenge myself to 'get to the point', but there are so many interesting points that make the final point even more powerful (and I'm not doing it on purpose). 

He said interrupted me to say 

"what's this got to do with (insert topic)?".

That's just a bit harsh on a second date when I'm giving the guy a lift home! He jumped to conclusions about why I did or didn't do something and I don't always jump back and explain myself as I'm busy processing what's happening. We were talking about distraction (he aims to not be distracted by anything. He's talking to someone who loves talking about ten things at once!).

 I said that I quite enjoyed the break I got from the internet when the storm took out my net connection for two days. He was all "and what did you learn/do?" and for some reason I forgot to say that I had purposely gone without the internet for about three months last year and had already learned/done a lot in regards to being free of useless distractions. It was suddenly like being tested and I said something like 'well I didn't really need to learn from it'.

My response didn't make a whole lot of sense and in his words he was "really triggered" by it. He repeated this a lot. Wow. If that triggers him I imagine I would totally blow his brains out with annoyance in a short period of time! After that date I thought of him saying "I'm really triggered!", and "what's this got to do with ...?". 

In the meantime I was getting really nice and interesting texts from another guy. I asked Mr Triggered directly (in a text) if he really did want me to come over and he replied that he didn't understand my text. He said to come over if I wanted. It was a rainy night and that kind of half-arsedness 'really triggers' me, so I left it.

In addition to being honest about your enthusiasm for someone, having a clue about what kind of attachment style you/they have is helpful. Is this outdated psychology? Possibly It's so lovely to have nice neat categories we can put ourselves into though! Attachment theory was originally developed by John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth took it further.

Attachment styles form in childhood (of course) and this effects all relationships. You can do online tests and find out which style you are.  I am currently 55% secure! Ainsworth originally identified three types of attachment style but it's now considered to be four.
I quite liked Caroline Cranshaw's descriptions of attachment styles -
Secure: "Intimacy is easy. I can depend on otheres and they can depend on me."

Anxious/Preoccupied: "I love you, what if you leave me"

Dismissive/Avoidant: "Every time I get close, I run away."

Fearful/Avoidant: "I like you but I don't want to get hurt, so go away."

Styles of attachment can change according to what's going on in your life  - I know there have been times when I've been depressed/exhausted and become very anxious. Being anxious, I would ask for reassurance from people who may have had an Avoidant or Fearful attachment style! Ahhh, classic.

Someone may have a very secure style and then perhaps they become more Anxious or Avoidant depending on other factors in their life, factors that having nothing to do with you or I.

Apparently a secure person may often help to raise the bar for someone else who is more strongly Avoidant or Insecure, but the inverse can also occur. It makes me think of a really secure person who has a relationship with someone who is Avoidant - it's seems to be pretty exhausting and the Secure person often gets worn out. Perhaps it depends on just how Secure a person is (at 55% I have a bit of work to do!).

As I become clearer about my boundaries and look at what people DO versus what they say, I find that life is a little easier to navigate. Attachment theory is usually used to assess what kind of connection you have with a partner, but surely it's useful for friendships and family too?

I've had friends tell me they'll love me forever and claim I saved their life or taught them what love is. Some of the most effusive ones have dropped away with levels of coldness I couldn't have imagined.

Of course, with my second highest score being 'Anxious' I aim to find out what's wrong and try and address it. An Avoidant person isn't into it. They need to be left alone to process things.  Most of my life I have chased this kind of person and made every excuse for them. No more. I can't read their mind, I have no idea what's going on, and so if they don't want to communicate it isn't my job to cajole such a person.

Perhaps Avoidant/Insecure types are the ones who go from hot to cold - for whom you are greatly beloved or an enemy? Nothing inbetween. Maybe they were left in the bassinet to cry for hours on end when they were babies, or were given 'love' that alternated between affection and abandonment? If only 50% of people are mostly secure in attachment type, that leaves a lot of people in the insecure basket - and even the most secure of people can be thrown off track by a traumatic event or big change in life.

Last night I curled into my cosy bed and lightening made my room incandescent for a second. The thunder that followed soothed me to the bone, and the rain that poured down felt like a message of love from nature. I felt so loved. Warm. Secure.

The jaunty hedgehog sets out on an adventure.