April 15th 2018
I don't often feel alone. For about 10 minutes this morning I did, and I found myself thinking up all the reasons why I felt so sad. I noticed how the blame game starts to try and have it's way. Fortunately I do know what to do (or not do) when that Blame Voice starts to speak up. I started writing about it and noticed how I wished I had a close and loving family. I think it's my Nanna's birthday today.
The family(my mum's side) I don't see much are 'very busy' and all have things in common like working hard and owning a house. I don't know what to say to them and so just open up my mouth and say what comes to mind. I search for ways to connect. When there is a rare bbq or gathering I feel like I've wandered into someone else's family and am getting to know them. They are practical people. They don't tend to write poetry and I doubt that they make up songs when they walk through a forest or cry when they read about the bi-polar guy shot by police.
My mother is also practical but incredibly creative; I was raised to see beauty and detail in all things and to love, to love, to love. My Aunty Sandy was like that too. She scared the shit out of me in so many ways, but I knew her love was deep and as fierce as my own mother's. Today I really missed her. I am closest to her youngest daughter; she is a great friend and I'd like to think we would be even if we didn't have the same blood in our veins.
I had a really good cry, right into my cat's fur. She said "mrrrowww' and kept sleeping. Right now she just peeked over the lap top screen as it has taken up her rightful place.
On the other side of the equation is my birth father and all the children he shot out in the 1970's. Jeeze. Again, I am lucky that I'm forming a true friendship with one of my half siblings - to have a sister. I don't think of myself as having siblings at all since I didn't even know about them until I was in my 20's, but now I'm feeling like it could be real. I could truly have a sister - a sister who accepts me just as I am. Someone who cares about me even if she doesn't understand me.
To be loved and accepted in all your imperfect glory! To have someone call and say 'are you doing ok?'. I am so grateful that I have a 'new' sister, friends who fulfill this role and a mum who is so caring.
Having said that - people ARE busy and some people have issues of their own they need to work out and they just can't be there or choose not to be for their own reasons.
I was also thinking about Q (friend who left the planet last year) today too, how he felt like people wouldn't accept him unless they were fucked up or on drugs. I looked straight at him and said "I like you and I'm not taking drugs. I'm a bit weird though". And we laughed. We laughed quite a few times in the limited space of our friendship.
Recently I took anti-depressants for about six weeks and started feeling like I had made Quentin up, that he was far, far away from me. I felt better emotionally but was exhausted by 2pm every day, my gravity seemed to have increased, I pushed through the days. I slowly went off them and my feelings started to come back into focus. I no longer feel as flat and capable, but I've decided that crying because you feel a bit lonely and a friend is dead is actually okay.
I have a lover, I have friends and I have life purpose; these things get me through the times of sadness. If I want to be closer to my family, I can make a bit more effort can't I? My purpose is to be creative, to share, to explore, to love and to be curious! What is your purpose? What do you do if you feel a little sad or alone? Love to know how you deal with it when the negativity tries to get you!
Naku noa na
Candice
I don't often feel alone. For about 10 minutes this morning I did, and I found myself thinking up all the reasons why I felt so sad. I noticed how the blame game starts to try and have it's way. Fortunately I do know what to do (or not do) when that Blame Voice starts to speak up. I started writing about it and noticed how I wished I had a close and loving family. I think it's my Nanna's birthday today.The family(my mum's side) I don't see much are 'very busy' and all have things in common like working hard and owning a house. I don't know what to say to them and so just open up my mouth and say what comes to mind. I search for ways to connect. When there is a rare bbq or gathering I feel like I've wandered into someone else's family and am getting to know them. They are practical people. They don't tend to write poetry and I doubt that they make up songs when they walk through a forest or cry when they read about the bi-polar guy shot by police.
My mother is also practical but incredibly creative; I was raised to see beauty and detail in all things and to love, to love, to love. My Aunty Sandy was like that too. She scared the shit out of me in so many ways, but I knew her love was deep and as fierce as my own mother's. Today I really missed her. I am closest to her youngest daughter; she is a great friend and I'd like to think we would be even if we didn't have the same blood in our veins.
I had a really good cry, right into my cat's fur. She said "mrrrowww' and kept sleeping. Right now she just peeked over the lap top screen as it has taken up her rightful place.
On the other side of the equation is my birth father and all the children he shot out in the 1970's. Jeeze. Again, I am lucky that I'm forming a true friendship with one of my half siblings - to have a sister. I don't think of myself as having siblings at all since I didn't even know about them until I was in my 20's, but now I'm feeling like it could be real. I could truly have a sister - a sister who accepts me just as I am. Someone who cares about me even if she doesn't understand me.
To be loved and accepted in all your imperfect glory! To have someone call and say 'are you doing ok?'. I am so grateful that I have a 'new' sister, friends who fulfill this role and a mum who is so caring.
Having said that - people ARE busy and some people have issues of their own they need to work out and they just can't be there or choose not to be for their own reasons.
I was also thinking about Q (friend who left the planet last year) today too, how he felt like people wouldn't accept him unless they were fucked up or on drugs. I looked straight at him and said "I like you and I'm not taking drugs. I'm a bit weird though". And we laughed. We laughed quite a few times in the limited space of our friendship.
Recently I took anti-depressants for about six weeks and started feeling like I had made Quentin up, that he was far, far away from me. I felt better emotionally but was exhausted by 2pm every day, my gravity seemed to have increased, I pushed through the days. I slowly went off them and my feelings started to come back into focus. I no longer feel as flat and capable, but I've decided that crying because you feel a bit lonely and a friend is dead is actually okay.
I have a lover, I have friends and I have life purpose; these things get me through the times of sadness. If I want to be closer to my family, I can make a bit more effort can't I? My purpose is to be creative, to share, to explore, to love and to be curious! What is your purpose? What do you do if you feel a little sad or alone? Love to know how you deal with it when the negativity tries to get you!
Naku noa na
Candice
Love what you've written here Candice. Love your heartfelt honesty. Loneliness is something I've found can happen any time any where and I've felt it hugely through lack of connection with family. I have close family as well as further afield but there isn't the closeness I would like to have with either. But then I guess with closeness comes the messiness when there are misunderstandings, lack of acceptance, and inability to forgive. That cry of your heart - 'to be loved and accepted in all your imperfect glory' is truly the cry of every human being who longs to know and be known. If not for my faith and with it the assurance that I am loved and accepted for who I am, I'm not sure I would still be here. There was a piece of graffiti on a wall in Melbourne I remember from years ago. It stretched for a good many metres and it said - 'We teach all hearts to break.' This is a true saying. It is also the law or code of a world without love, without grace, without redemption. There came a point in my life when I had to make a choice - to live my life without that sustaining love that we all seek ... or choose to immerse myself in that unconditional love. The difference now is, I still feel that loneliness you talk about, but I can lean on that sustaining love Who helps me to carry on. xo
ReplyDeleteOh thank you so much for your kind, thoughtful and loving response. I felt a bit scared to share that I felt lonely as I have spent so much of my life determined not to be 'weak' and to keep to myself when I'm having a rough time. Your kindness and words of grace and understanding make me feel like someone might understand me and forgive my humanity! Thank you.
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