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January 28th 2018
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| Under Auckland Harbour Bridge. |
Remain Curious! Last night a friend and I went to Rainbow's End for his belated birthday - there was a night time session and it was (gasp) slightly cheaper at $45 for this evening rate. I guess that's what credit cards are for?
What I forgot about Rainbow's End (and it had been about 12 years since I'd gone) was queuing up for rides. Oh my glob, if you have any pain issues in your feet and hips, you're in for a real treat as it's a 15 minute wait for each ride.
I entertained myself by counting how many people were on a ride, then timing the ride, doing a rough count of people waiting and working out exactly how long we'd be standing there. I found this comforting and a lot of my commentary included amazing things like
"I think we will be on THIS ride by 8.30pm".
Strangely, it was worth it. One of the last times I'd gone to Rainbow's End I was in the midst of a mental breakdown after being bullied by a P-Addicted boss for a year and a half (and I didn't know he was on P until an old workmate told me about his upcoming court appearance for supply and manufacture). He'd also been fired as he'd been embezzling from the small radio station we all worked for.
On that last Rainbow's End occasion I tried to pretend I was my usual fun-loving and adventurous self by going on The Fear Fall. Because my whole body had already been pumped full of fear for a long time, The Fear Fall wasn't what I needed. I probably needed to be swaddled in a sweet cocoon of sunlight and gently swished about in the sea by a kindly merman, but that wasn't being offered.
Instead I voluntarily took my shaky self onto a ride that simply goes up and then drops suddenly. The fear and anxiety this induced was so extreme that I felt like I was going to die (and not in that fun hyperbolic sense) and was a crying mess in the aftermath.
Fast Foward to last night, and we went on these new rides that didn't exist 12 years ago - and they were really fun! None of them scared me (in fact I couldn't stop laughing), and so with a light heart and a sense of curiosity we got in line for the Fear Fall.
I briefly wondered if I was making a mistake but then concluded that I wasn't who I was; that the Candice standing here is a completely different person. This older (and yet newer) Candice would not stay in an environment being bullied now. This older and newer version is learning not to check whether it's always her mistake when something goes wrong.
The Candice I am now notices when people ...
1) Ignore you when it suits them (and it's a punishment)
2) Makes accusations that seem bizarre, cruel or unfounded
3) Will not 'fight fair'
4) Stores up resentments for a long time then suddenly spews them all over you (even when they usually sing your praises).
5) Make no provision for you to make mistakes even if you have supported them through great difficulties or have accepted them as they are.
This isn't behaviour that we have to fix or bend over backwards in order to please. We can learn the art of Detachment. I used to think Detachment sounded mean, as if I didn't care for the person. Now I realise that if someone's behaviour towards me is unkind, that it isn't my job to climb an Everest to prove that I am worthy of their love. I am worthy. Full fucking stop.
They are also worthy, loved, beautiful and possibly a little broken (just like we all are) but it doesn't mean buying into their drama.
So be curious.You are not who you once were. You are new everyday.
I got on the Fear Fall for the first time in 12 years and admired the view, the half moon, the occasional star shining in a deep bruised sky.
I turned to Aaron and said
"oh this is SO beautiful!" and then we fell.
It was absolutely euphoric, the whole world gone in a second. I laughed and laughed, the joy and delight erupting.
We then went on "The Stratosfear' which looked kind of tame until we realised it has two 'settings' and we lined up for the more extreme version. Basically a massive swing that goes right to the top. Well blow my balloons, it was AMAZING. Maybe it's my brain, but I seemed to get more out of it than a lot of other people. It was almost like a divine experience, going so high and feeling nothing but joy. Once again, the stars looked in on us, the sky seemed utterly benevolent, I fell in love with Auckland.
So be curious. You are new every day. Candice xxx
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