Letter to Q

Sunday 19th November 2017

Dear Q,

Is it selfish that I didn’t want you to do it? I was new in your life. I got to see a happier side of you that your mum says was rare. 

beautiful picture that has little to do with the subject, but I thought Q would like it.

When we were in the garage and experimenting with drum beats, singing, using the colours of your medication as the inspiration for a song, I remember thinking ‘if he does kill himself, it’s too late for me, because I’m here. I’m going to get hurt. But he’s alive right now.’ 

It was too late from the first day we spent time together, because I loved you. I know that sounds a bit weird, how could I love someone so quickly? But I did. I confess; I thought I was going to make a difference. I thought there was going to be time for you to find reasons to stay. I noticed how my mind conversed with itself about that - 'don't think you can just walk in here and save someone's life', but I did hope.

You know how you see unwell people walking around, talking to themselves? Well I kind of get it. I was crying so much that I thought I was going to be sick this morning, and then I started talking as if it were you comforting me. “Hey,” I said, imagining your voice,“hey it’s okay, please don’t be sick, I really didn’t mean for you to feel like this. I really didn’t think anyone would miss me that much and I didn’t do it to make anyone feel bad. Hey, hey little shorty, please don’t cry.”

I calmed down. My stomach stopped lurching. I whispered back “but it’s not fair. It’s not fair. I can't do this,” and weird sounds were coming out of me. They still do. High pitched sounds like a howling dog on a hill in the wind. I have to keep rocking my body to stay inside it. I need to move my hands. My eyes itch and I look half drowned. I almost hyperventilate and whisper to myself again and imagine it’s you. I say “why, why, why, we were going to have fun! We sang ‘apeman’ together and we laughed!”

And then I get really calm and it’s okay. You are no longer in pain. An hour later and I feel like there is a demon of grief that wants to scream, scream, scream on a long beach. Q, let’s go to Karekare! You’ll like that. We can scream together on the beach. We can sing, we can say ‘cunt’ over and over again if you like?

I fucking hate this. No I don’t. I have to love it or I’ll get depressed. What do I have to love? I have to be in love with this moment. Sit with what is. Know that it is part of life, that suffering finds us all, that it will make our stomach lurch, our eyes itch and our bodies rock to keep us from falling down. No, fuck that, I don’t have to love it. I’m allowed to be this sad. Aren’t I? Did I earn that right even though I was only in your life for a short time?

Why did you have to do it on my fucking birthday? Ha ha, okay then, it’s the gift of your peace. Okay then. I’ll take it. I don’t want it, but I will take it and I will package it however I need to because you were so sick for so very long. You were in so much pain, oh darling. Poor darling. I keep wishing you stayed, but that was just too hard for you. All your life a battle, no sleep, no quiet in your soul.

You wanted to be a peer support worker. You wanted to make a difference. I texted you a few times about asking ‘a good question’ but you didn’t do it. I feel so sick. Talk to me again. Tell me how you’re going paddle boarding and putting a fishing line out the back. Tell me how you’re meeting up with that guy to record more of your music. Tell me something to stop this shit crawling up inside the body of my soul. It hurts so much.

Do you want to hear my good questions? You are such a good listener! You with your big eyes!

Why did my vision, strength and love increase after Q’s suicide?
Why am I able to grieve so cleanly and allow the sadness to expand my capacity for love, patience, kindness and spiritual wealth?
Why is it so obvious to me that death is a part of life?
Why did my connection with Q mark the turning point in my life for ultimate good?
Why does Q comfort me so beautifully and effectively?
Why do I clearly know what is from him?
Why is he the loving bridge in my life?
Why did I forgive myself for not being able to save him?
Why did I accept what is, and found a way to make something beautiful from it?
Why did I have so many beautiful things unfold in my life even though Q’s death feels terrible for me and those who cared for him?

Do you like those questions? They aren’t made to be answered like some kind of exam. They’re there to stop me asking all the other questions that make me feel like I’m crawling around inside a trap, that I have to flap my arms, that my mouth will open really wide (as big as my whole face!) in order to expel the pain. Sounds crazy ay? Yeah. I don’t want this. I don’t want this. I don’t know what to do.

I will pull some weeds out of the garden. I will get dressed. I will go and get a fuck arse coffee and have some pain killers with it.

I will drive to my mum’s and pick her up. Then we are going to your place. Your family are there. Your sister, your aunts, other people I don’t know. You will be there. I will see you with your eyes closed. Will I kiss your cheek? I don't know.

You better look after your mum Q. She is so good. She says things that make my panic subside. Oh no, I feel so sick again. I have to squeeze my head, push the pain back into my cheekbones to prevent it from exploding. I don’t know how to make this good. I don’t know. Please show me. Please.

Someone just did a burnout on the road. Well, that’s Avondale. I like where you lived Q. Where you live. Where you are. The beach is so close out there. Such a good place.

I have to get ready now. Pull my shit together. I can’t walk around whispering to myself in public. I can’t scream as I walk into a café. I can’t start flapping my hands and making weird noises! Shall I save that for KareKare Q? Yeah? Okay then. xxx

Update: It's Monday 20th November and today the heart of peace began to rise! 

I did not whisper to myself in public (unless you count my own car, and let's face it,it's better than seeing a business man picking his nose!) and I went for a swim at Mission Bay. It was hot and the sea was stunning, cool, I fell into it, I invited Q for the swim. A soul swim with a friend.
I read some Pema Chodron and cried a little bit,but not the way I did when I thought I might have to keep flapping my hands to get the pain out. That kind of pain is fading fast and something else, something good, is replacing it.

Pema Chodron is AMAZING ...

"Spiritual awakening is frequently described as a journey to the top of a mountain. We leave our attachments and our worldliness behind and slowly make our way to the top. At the peak, we transcend all pain.

The only problem with this metaphor is that we leave all the others behind—our drunken brother, our schizophrenic sister, our tormented animals and friends.  Their suffering continues,  unrelieved by our personal escape.

In the process of discovering bodhichitta [Bodhichitta is a Sanskrit word that means "noble or awakened heart."] the journey goes down, not up. It's as if the mountain pointed toward the center of the earth instead of reaching into the sky.  Instead of transcending the suffering of all creatures, we move toward the turbulence and doubt. We jump into it. We move toward it however we can.  We explore the reality and unpredictability of insecurity and pain, and we try not to push it away.  If it takes years, if it takes lifetimes, we let it be as it is.

At our pace, without speed or aggression, we move down and down and down.  With us move millions of others, our companions in awakening from fear. At the bottom, we discover water, the healing water of bodhichitta. Right down there in the thick of things, we discover the love that will not die."

Pema Chodron
When Things Fall Apart: Heart Advice for Difficult Times

The following

numbers are New Zealand based and sourced from The Mental Health Foundation.

• Need to talk? Free call or text 1737 any time for support from a trained counsellor.
• Lifeline – 0800 543 354 for counselling and support.
• Depression Helpline – 0800 111 757 to talk to a trained counsellor about how you are feeling or to ask any questions.
• Suicide Crisis Helpline – 0508 828 865 (0508 TAUTOKO) For people in distress, and people who are worried about someone else.
• Healthline – 0800 611 116 for advice from trained registered nurses.
• Samaritans – 0800 726 666 (for callers from the Lower North Island, Christchurch and West Coast) or 04 473 9739 (for callers from all other regions).
• Youthline – 0800 376 633, free text 234 or email talk@youthline.co.nz. For young people, and their parents, whānau and friends.
• What's Up – 0800 942 8787 – for 5–18-year-olds; Mon to Fri midday–11pm and weekends 3pm–11pm.
• Kidsline – 0800 54 37 54 (0800 KIDSLINE) – for young people up to 18 years of age. Open 24/7.
• OUTLine NZ – 0800 688 5463 (0800 OUTLINE) – provides confidential support for sexuality or gender identity issues.
• SPARX – an online self-help tool that teaches young people the key skills needed to help combat depression and anxiety.
• The Journal  –  NZ based self-help programme designed to teach you skills that can help get through mild to moderate depression more effectively.
• Big White Wall. Free for Auckland DHB residents. A UK-based professionally facilitated, peer support community of people who are experiencing common mental health problems.