In this talk, Brene Brown gives an example of a teacher with her marble jar. Marbles added represent reward (the jar has marbles added) or punishment (marbles taken out). She uses this example to illustrate how we can notice the little things we do to build trust with one another. A small act of trust equals a marble going into the jar. I think it would be a fun conversation to have with family or friends - what little things make a difference to trust for you?
It turns out that trust is built with small acts and a level of consistency. I like her way of measuring what trust is - it has given me a real sense of peace. I know that I make mistakes and sometimes need help or support - but if someone chooses not to connect with me when I ask for help, that is an act of betrayal according to Brown's measure.
I have had this happen to me more than once and so know it's time to change. You can help a drowning man all you like, but if he won't stop thrashing around he will take you under and stand on your shoulders as you sink. Then boo hoo for you! Probably mixing my analogies to ill effect - marbles rolling around in the life raft of mistrust, tally-ho!
I am quick to blame myself, and now I realise that trusting myself is central. There are enough people (even one is enough) willing to give me a good verbal whipping without getting stuck into it myself!
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As described by Brown, when I make a mistake I own it, take responsibility and make amends ... but if I'm not given that opportunity then the chance to build trust is completely missing. Without communication, there can be no trust. With judgement and cruel assumptions, we kill off the opportunities to grow and enjoy finding out more about how to have a wonderful relationship (any kind of relationship). Gagging the friend effectively kills the friendship.
Non judgement is huge. I am always there for friends when they fall apart, but it turns out that if they can't reciprocate when you need help, then that's not a person you can trust. I usually make excuses for such a person when this happens, but now I realise it just isn't workable. It's exhausting. This kind of person is always taking note of your mistakes and of course this is very destructive.
Real trust means reciprocating. It means making generous assumptions - I'm good at doing that for others and it certainly surprises me when I realise that others are not willing or perhaps not capable of doing that for me.
I can make a generous assumption for the other person no matter how unkind or unreasonable they are being. They might be mentally unwell or going through something I just don't understand. This doesn't mean accepting abuse or getting out a whip to give myself a good hiding - it means that I can stop an endless cycle of 'why?' about being betrayed or misunderstood.
Can I count on myself? We have to start with self trust.
"I don't trust people who don't love themselves, but say 'I love you'": Maya Angelou
How do you treat yourself? Are you worthy of trusting yourself above everyone else? As for me - I'm focusing on who truly reciprocate and communicate and letting those lovely marbles fill up the jar of Trust.
Why waste time on those who enjoy listing all your faults and can't accept you for who you are? That's some game you can't win. Believe me, I've tried! Go well. Enjoy the day.
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Trust me. |
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