Cry, Work, Talk (one year since I did the Landmark Forum).

Tucked in nicely. Toscat's book is "Sleep, Meow, Purr".

This morning at work (assistant for Amy who has grade 3 Cerebral Palsy) I told her I was reading 'Committed' by Elizabeth Gilbert. I found it in an op shop for $1. Due to the fact that Gilbert wrote 'Eat, Pray, Love', Amy told me what she though of that particularly successful memoir.
"I hated it," she announced, "it was self indulgent crap".

"Really?" I said, "I liked it".
Amy then said that it wasn't like a lot of people could go and do what Gilbert had done - stuff her face in Italy, examine her navel in India, then fall in love in Bali. I didn't think of it that way - I never thought of copying what she was doing (aside from actually writing a book). She was privileged enough to deal with grief in that way, so I asked Amy if she would have liked it more if Gilbert had done a stint of voluntary teaching in Cambodia (maybe before going to Italy to indulge). Amy said "yes, I would." and felt that there was just too much self obsessing in Gilbert's 'overly dramatic' memoir.

I personally didn't think it was terribly dramatic - she came across as fairly sensible to me. Okay, so she was on the bathroom floor crying at the start of the book, and this is her rock bottom in terms of depression. It's not that dramatic. More than ten years ago I slept so little and cried so much that I collapsed and vomited while showering. Now that is not only dramatic, but also really gross. Happy to report that I haven't had such a depression since - it really was a bummer.

What this discussion made me wonder is what this last year would have been called if it were a Giberty style memoir. I chose 'Cry, Work, Talk' because that's what I've done a lot of since January 2015! At the end of January in 2015 I did the Landmark Forum because a guy I worked for (short term) offered to pay for it. I hadn't known him long, but he was kind, funny and generous and I chose to accept that gift. I did the Landmark Forum and found that it did keep me on my toes and provided tools that were useful and practical. I'm a creative dreamer - that I do well - so finding a place that has on going courses that keep me accountable was exactly what I needed. I could have stopped at the first course, but I felt like I got a lot out of it, so I kept going. I don't have much money, yet I always seemed to find a way to pay for the courses. Landmark isn't for everyone - I couldn't have done it when I had that breakdown more than a decade ago. Fortunately the timing was right last year.

At the start of last year, I grieved. A friendship and mutual attraction turned sour and at first I thought I was crying about that. Months passed and I continued to cry, (without going into a deep depression) I knew this wasn't about a man ignoring me. This was about the 'original man' ignoring me (no, not Adam or the caveman, but my father). I didn't want to cry about my father. I had never really done so as far as I can remember. My mother met Kerry Lewis when I was six weeks old and they married when I was about three. He used to beat my mum and she didn't know if he would end up hitting me too, so they divorced. When I was seven mum had a boyfriend who got a job at Mckenzies' in the South Island, so we lived in Ashburton for a year. That was the last year I ever heard from my father. The last correspondence from him was a birthday telegram. I would check the mailbox every week and it was always empty. I didn't cry. I told myself he loved me anyway. Many years later I found out that he had developed a heroin habit and was wanted for drug money in NZ as well as Australia. Once or twice a person has asked if I want to find him. I've talked to him in dreams and to be honest, that seems like enough. If I want to catch up with a father who chose drugs over everything I can always catch up with the biological one.

I'm told I have changed. That I'm not as reactive as I used to be, that I have more patience, and something else that can't be put into words. I'm going to say it's something along the lines of contentment. My relationship with my mother is amazing and I have made some incredible friendships with women I met through Landmark courses. Monique, Zuricka, Karen, Becks, all of them generous, kind, funny, beautiful and a little bit naughty. I didn't go into Landmark wanting any more friends, and I had no idea how the tools for transformation would lead to solutions in my relationship with my mum. But that's what's happening.
Love to you on your own unique journey. Hope haven't been excessively dramatic (but fuck, it's how I'm wired). Cx