Re-made

29th March 2015

Well jumpstart my snake charm and call me Rover; ever since I did The Landmark Forum I've been reeling. I don't know if this is happening to anyone else, but it's been intense. One of the few descriptions I've found that seems to match what I'm going through is of 'Kundalini rising'. I really don't know if that's what it is, but it's not something I've experienced before. My heart has been pumping faster than ever, and for much of the last few weeks I had insomnia (this is calming down now). I've been crying, predominately short bouts that pass quickly - like sudden hard downpour an otherwise sunny day. I am getting a clear sense of what's happening now, but my emotions have been torrid.

Situations arise quickly for me to practice what it is that I say I am willing to stand for. If I say I don't want something, I get a situation that presents it almost immediately. I get to practice. I have had a lot of practice at holding my integrity over the last few months, and it has been really difficult at times. I could have slept with a really beautiful and amazing man in February, but I didn't because he said he wasn't able to offer more than that. I ended up falling in love with him and so had to walk away. He kept on saying things that contradicted his behaviour; treating me so well and yet saying he had to wait and see if it was going to work out with his ex. It didn't feel like the kind of start to a love story that would end well. As a result he' hasn't had time' to see me for more than two months and yet I think of him everyday.

I also quit internet dating for now. The relationship I'm developing with myself has to take precedence. If a wonderful man shows up, cool, but I've gotta sort out my shit. 

One of the biggest developments is my increasing physical strength. If you know me, then you'll know I've had problems with pain ever since I was about 19. I've always been happy to take risks, and as a result I've endured a few tumbles and lived to tell the tale. I don't usually complain much about pain, I tend to think it's boring for other people and that my pain is minimal if I were to compare it to someone with a 'real' problem. There's an issue with the way I was looking in the world anyway. A lense of pain, of comparsion, of indulgence (however private or public) in my agonies on both the physical and mental planes. I've gloried in suffering and a feeling of being powerless for too long. I'm sick of it. It's sick of me. What's interesting is that I didn't even know I was doing it. I wasn't feeling unhappy at all when I did The Landmark Forum. That's because denial is most convenient. I wasn't unhappy, but I wasn't the dynamic either. Not consistently.

Now I'm like that snake you see in a nature documentary. It looks like it's dying; but it's only shedding what is no longer necessary and leaving it behind. So I'm shedding tears and leaving some 'old skin' behind. I'm very fortunate. It's hard work, and of course I have been wishing I could 'fast forward' to the part where the old skin has been left far behind me, where I'm all slinky and sliding new and clean through the forest of life. Instead of wishing to FFWD, I'll just be in this moment and know how valuable it is. 

“The minute I heard my first love story,
I started looking for you, not knowing
how blind that was.
Lovers don't finally meet somewhere.
They're in each other all along.” 
― Rumi, The Illuminated Rumi

April 1st: A Fool?

I think one of the biggest bummers for me in the last few months is that I have felt like a real fool (again). So here's to us: the fools and dreamers who keep on falling in love and who keep on doing our best to tell the truth, even if we don't get it right and even if we end up torturing ourselves needlessly. It happens, and it's only human.  The question of course is 'what's next?' rather than digging myself a small shit-lined hole and getting cosy. 

Now to consider the quote from Rumi ... that lovers don't finally meet 'somewhere', they're in each other all along. I'm sure you can take it any number of ways ... but for me it's as if I am already complete and that when someone else who is also complete recognises me, he will know how to love me and I will know how to love him. Someone who will not shy away from communicating would be a good start! So here's to being heard, being seen, being known and loved. Starts inside and isn't easy, but ask for grace, be diligent, and it will come.

Love Cx