Courage to Live

Z and I in the Norfolk Pine, about sixty feet up.

Today I'm off to do the Landmark Advanced Course. The last few weeks has been really intense. In doing the first course I wanted to 'get out of my own way' and be energetic, peaceful and motivated. Peace is coming slowly, but energy and motivation has definitely kicked off. 

Thanks to my dear friend Tam (word of mouth is fantastic when it works to my advantage) I started a new job. I am now working every morning for a fiercely intelligent and funny young woman with Cerebral Palsy. She does a lot of research and writing regarding CP.

Much of my job would be considered standard 'care work' (which I've not done before) as well as helping with proof reading and walking the Labradoodle! This young woman has taught me a few things in the last two weeks that echo a lot of what is coming up via the course. I was telling her how I'd realised something regarding men: I tend to go for ones that I think need 'help' in some way. She smiled and said "did you think to ask if they wanted your help?". 

I laughed and said

 "No, because I always think people need my help and that I know what people need". As I washed her feet she said,

 "Well don't do that anymore, ask if someone wants the help." For some reason this still struck me as being funny, and then she landed me with this one ... 

"I mean, you can GET PAID to help people ..."

And there I was, kneeling on the lino, her hands in my feet, getting paid and feeling really good about it. I spent a lot of my life afraid of being in servitude in some way; I wanted to be recognised and understood. I realise how much I like to be of service, and I'm finding out how I've confused that with being used or bullied. 

The problem with wanting to serve has been that I often try to serve or help people who don't really want it or need it. It ends up being annoying. I'm not putting myself down either. I know that I do have a lot of wisdom and gifts to give, but that I can calm down and let others give to me too. So I'm creating the possibility for my life of being open, open to abundance and open to deliciousness! I'm ready.

11.26pm 13th March 2015
Today has been exhausting and yet well worth the hard work. I am finding myself out in a way that reminds me of doing Vipassana Meditation; the difference is that the Landmark Forum encourages connection and communication with other people. 
After Vipassana I'm almost 'too refined' for the world, it's a shock, and after a few months I find I fall back into the habit of being passive about life, not truly committed to things I say I will do. I want to be the woman who is her word; not just good at spewing them out. I don't want to help people in the way I used to ... that way was born from pain and fear. The help I bring now is coming from a different place. Welcome.