Alcoholism Sucks, oh well.

Got an alcoholic (still on it) in the family? Maybe a friend? Sucks shit doesn't it? 

I had an Epic Night of Bummed-ness. Yes, Bummed-ness with a capital B. The Beloved who helped create this interesting evening has been drinking a lot for a long time. I'm used to it and so I've been making amazing allowances that are probably known as 'enabling'. Well I'm tired of it. I love this person, but I hate her disease. Glassy eyed, slack sucking mouth searching for sustenance the world cannot seem to provide, I cannot mother this one anymore.

 It's time to make a good clear stand in the name of Love. I told her this morning that for both of our good, I can't spend any time with her when she's drinking. Not even one beer. Not. One. Fucking. Beer.

The white horse is said to be a symbol of feminine freedom in surrealism. That is not me riding the white horse, it's a complete stranger.

I know. I put it nicely mind you and said (honestly) that this is about making things as safe for both of us as possible.

 I don't like who I am when she drinks more than three beers. I'm as reliable as a wave on the shore when it comes to the feeling of rising panic and fear. The fear and panic is an old story. She drinks, and when she drinks misunderstandings occur, emotions run high, and I end up being unkind. That simple. 

When I told her of my decision, she didn't say a word. Of course I'm tempted to make up what that means! The Landmark Forum way of dealing things seems basic or simple (never under-estimate the power of simple), but it's working for me. 

All I had to do about this situation is address my usual behaviour (buy her something, say sorry, help out somehow, don't frown as she picks up the next beer ...) and decide to do it differently. I have always been too scared to say I won't spend time with her AT ALL when she is drinking, but now I have enough love and strength to do it. 

I spoke to my Land Mark Seminar Series leader and said something about fighting for my life, and she said "you weren't fighting for your life". This person likes to coach from the book of Land Mark. She brings to my mind a cop and an Assembly Of God Minister mixed together, so I guess I'll just create the possibility of enjoying that. I was thinking (always thinking) it would have been really nice if she could have shared a bit of humour or relaxation in her communication, but I guess that's not how she rolls. Is that okay? Yeah. I don't have to like everyone do I? Do I? God. Damn. It. Maybe I think I do. So there's another insight. If I don't like everyone, then I can be damn sure there are always going to be people who don't like me. I might label her a cop/minister, but I better be prepared to wear my own labels. Ha. I've been told them often enough.

I am creating the possibility of such security within that I don't care if someone appears to dislike me or misunderstand me. I am creating peace and security. This of course ties in with the Beloved Alcoholic issue; I have discovered that stability and peace is what I want more of. Shall let you know how that works out. 

Underwater Jandal: A Soap Opera about a small fish who falls in love with an unsuspecting jandal.

Love to you all, dream big crazy, funny, yummy dreams.