Sister
When she looked at me it was like being caught in some kind of eye love laser beam.
How amazing, to be loved by someone who doesn't really know me, a someone who I share all this secret history with. Keys of D N A to unlock, strands that wind through us both thanks to our wayward Scottish/Maori father. I could feel my own eyes beaming back, letting love fall out easily, willing this time to be part of her life in a way that I couldn't be 17 to 19 years ago.
Restless Rant:
I feel like I have so much to give the world, yet I ache, hold back and nurse my sore shoulder and neck ... as if life itself has given me whiplash. I wouldn't say I've lost my mojo; I like who I am and many things are going smoothly. It's that feeling of 'what's next?' that's haunting me.
I want to be the person who leaps out of bed at 5.30 or 6am with excitement because I can hardly wait to start the day. I want to get some drive back. I have people I love, and about ten people who really do love me as well as like me enough to tolerate my excessive talking and chronic struggle with punctuality. Death comes closer with every day that passes. That doesn't frighten me, but I am scared of wasting myself, of not being or doing enough.
I saw mum yesterday and I said that it's hard to remember what the point of any of it is at times. I think the only point is to love and be loved. Then you have to think of what that means ... because most of us equate our worth with the feeling of being loved and of loving. What if no one loves you? What if a friend turns on you? Are you still worth while? Common wisdom says yes, but as time goes on, I find it harder to bounce back as easily from let downs.
When she looked at me it was like being caught in some kind of eye love laser beam.
How amazing, to be loved by someone who doesn't really know me, a someone who I share all this secret history with. Keys of D N A to unlock, strands that wind through us both thanks to our wayward Scottish/Maori father. I could feel my own eyes beaming back, letting love fall out easily, willing this time to be part of her life in a way that I couldn't be 17 to 19 years ago.
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| Buddha, Mary, Fairy, Flamingo and Owly all relaxing. |
Restless Rant:
I feel like I have so much to give the world, yet I ache, hold back and nurse my sore shoulder and neck ... as if life itself has given me whiplash. I wouldn't say I've lost my mojo; I like who I am and many things are going smoothly. It's that feeling of 'what's next?' that's haunting me.
I want to be the person who leaps out of bed at 5.30 or 6am with excitement because I can hardly wait to start the day. I want to get some drive back. I have people I love, and about ten people who really do love me as well as like me enough to tolerate my excessive talking and chronic struggle with punctuality. Death comes closer with every day that passes. That doesn't frighten me, but I am scared of wasting myself, of not being or doing enough.
I saw mum yesterday and I said that it's hard to remember what the point of any of it is at times. I think the only point is to love and be loved. Then you have to think of what that means ... because most of us equate our worth with the feeling of being loved and of loving. What if no one loves you? What if a friend turns on you? Are you still worth while? Common wisdom says yes, but as time goes on, I find it harder to bounce back as easily from let downs.
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