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| Yes. That's right, call me feisty. |
If you don't want to hear about a weird Kiwi woman's quest for love in a strange world, do not go any further. This episode is full of swearing and sex, and a lack of sex. (Boooo!).
The tepid baths in Auckland City are overflowing with well-soaked men of all ages looking for hook-ups. About two years ago I didn't know that this was a 'thing', and that is when I met the chatty Kickboxer.
I thought he really liked me, but it turned out that the dredlocked stoner who boasted of his connections to the music industry was really looking for someone with a mirror face so that he could fuck himself. He thought we were meeting for a hook-up (but wouldn't say so), and I thought we were meeting to hang out and get to know each other (which I was very clear about).
I would like to point out that spell-check does not accept 'dredlocked' as a word and would prefer I used 'deadlocked'. Deadlocked by a dred lock. Dreaded the dreds. Embedded the dreaded. I was almost bedded by vanity be-dredded. Okay I'll stop that now.
I employed every single thing I'd learned from doing courses through 'Landmark' which includes asking myself 'What am I making it mean?'. Well when a man suddenly pulls down his pants to show you how he's completely hairless and he tries to push you down towards his bits, it's hard to make it mean more than one thing. When I say hairless, I mean COMPLETELY hairless. Not even a nice little man garden on the top to compliment the arrangement below.
It was all moving way too fast and we hadn't even gone out for a nice cup of coffee. I was somewhat overwhelmed and even though he was truly a hot little number, I put the brakes on. I was getting that feeling like I wasn't even in my own body - that I was like some B grade actress in the porno of his life - there to play a role he had already assigned me. Surely even in 'hook-up culture' this was not cool? Or was he used to girls doing what he wanted because he was good looking?
He made assumptions about what was 'going down' and I think I handled it quite well (it was the not 'handling of it' that caused him great annoyance). When I wouldn't get it on with him he got his knickers in a knot, (of course he wasn't wearing any knickers so that is purely figurative). He was blanketed in that quiet kind of angry which has since made me think 'oh shit, this is how that girl 'fell' out a window on her Tinder date'.
"No, what's my problem?" I asked with a smile that I usually reserve for sulking children.
"You are really controlling. You want to control men and you are trying to control me."
"Because I won't have sex with you?"
He shot me a look that appeared to be hateful, but who can know the workings of someone else's mind? I can't really remember what he said to that, but he reinforced that I was controlling.
"Yes," I said, "you may be right".
And what can an angry man with no pubic hair say to that? As I left, I gave him a hug. I waved goodbye and said "I could learn a lot from you!". To be honest I'm not sure what I meant by that. I certainly learned that the Tepid Baths might not be the place to find true love.
I recently had a hot blonde connect with me in the pools, but I got him to talk about all sorts of deep shit on our second meet up and so haven't heard back since. I suppose asking about his depression and child custody isn't very sexy. It sure wasn't for me. I suppose I should have stuck to 'safe' topics, but I've grown to accept that this isn't my style.
I've had a few old men try to chat me up (not at the same time). Two grizzled boat builders older than my mum with that weird kind of dad humour mixed with tradesman cockiness we have come to hold up as some kind of cultural icon in New Zealand. That only works well if you're still under 60.
Last night the almost elderly Boat Builder said I looked 'feisty' and 'wild' and he flexed his bicep for me. If I were thin and blonde would men always comment on how wild I look? I'm actually pretty tame (compared to many I've known!).
The Boat Builder was short, muscular, grey haired and yellow of tooth. I wondered if I could go on a date with him but in the end it wasn't his scraggy teeth or dowager's hump that put me off. He was very persistent in wanting to meet me again but I didn't want to mislead him and told him so. I said I was happy to talk with him, and he wanted to know when (he'd be there 'anytime I wanted'). I said I might be back with a friend later in the week.
He smirked and said "I don't do threesomes".
Quite apart from the fact that this was not on offer, I didn't believe him. He boasted that he was quite the romeo back in the 70's; this was also unappealing.
Top tip for Hot Pool Pick Up Artists:
1) If you are old, then don't be gross, it's like being seduced by granddad. You have to use actual charm before you boast about what a sexy man-slut you were in 1972. If you were a slut in 1972, who cares?
2) If you are young and hot, don't assume that you will bed your 'victim' immediately - have a bit of dignity damnit. Imagine what it would be like to truly connect and how much better that makes it. Abs don't equal great sex sorry 'sport'- you have to be truly present.
3) If the person really isn't looking for a 'hook up' and that's all you want, you can be honest about it. This is what the Sex-Positive movement is about - mutual respect and pleasure. It can still be loving even if it isn't 'love' in the traditional sense. There are those who are Poly-amorous without being users and douche-bags about it (though I'm sure users and douche-bags slip in there from time to time).
Top 3 Dating or Hot Pool Talk Rules for Me:
1) Don't ask why it didn't work out with the ex. I must be crazy, but I always want to know this way too soon.
2) Don't talk about any of my deep crap too soon. Damnit, I can't do this one.
3) Do talk about plans for interesting projects (this does not include digging up old bottles at Oakely creek, spray painting them and putting spider plants in them).
Random Update on Internet Free Status:
I don't miss it that much. I sometimes wish I had the convenience of it at home, but I have now gone almost five weeks without the net at home and am definitely reading more.
Book recommendation: Jenny Lawson's books! She is hilarious.
Right. I've now been in a cafe for about two hours so I guess it's time to go and pick up my car (warrant time!). I even washed the lichen off it today!
Have a gorgeous day, be honest, be kind, and Be.
I love your writing. Sorry it's not more poetic. But it's real.
ReplyDeleteAd I get older real seems so much more important.
Hey thanks for commenting Daisy Boo! I guess the poetry is in us. :)
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