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| Gazing joyfully at the void! |
Stonewall-Flower.
I had a lovely, spiritual, generous friend who has always had a habit of ceasing contact whenever she is a little bit annoyed with me (or anyone she knows). I must be a bit slow as I only worked out that's what she was doing last year!
I asked her about it and she finally admitted that it made her angry that I was so 'protective' of her. She shouted at me "I'm not a little girl anymore, I can stand up for myself!" and yet the incident that had last pissed her off was one I couldn't even remember (evidently I defended her when someone was rude to her).
This was the first time in our friendship that she had ever raised her voice at me. We have been friends since we were eight years old. I only got to see this friend about four times in the last few years, so whatever excess protection I'd exhibited in the past must have been a really long time ago. Shit, maybe I managed to emit a protective vibe without meaning to!
She appeared to be reacting to a version of me from the past. No one is particularly protective of me - I think I'd like it if they were. Maybe that's why I'm motivated to protect others? I wonder if being protective could possibly come across as if I'm saying that person is helpless or that they are weak? Wow, I'd never thought of it that way before - you have to ask people what feels like love to them! I don't think standing up for someone means you are saying they're weak, but hey, that's just my view.
The filters she had in place meant that when I was doing things I thought were kind or loving, they didn't occur to her in that way. She was keen for me to understand that she could look after herself. I was amazed as I know full well she can look after herself - she is a person who always lands on her feet! Funnily enough, when I asked how she thought it made me feel to ignore me, she looked surprised and said "I didn't think of how you would feel". Here I am getting into trouble for being too protective of her - but she didn't stop to think about my feelings for a minute?
I asked her to just talk things through with me instead of ignoring me in the future, and she said she would. Sadly the wall came up again this year, and I even though it's painful, I'm trying to handle the situation differently than usual (which is to do less!).
I asked her about it and she finally admitted that it made her angry that I was so 'protective' of her. She shouted at me "I'm not a little girl anymore, I can stand up for myself!" and yet the incident that had last pissed her off was one I couldn't even remember (evidently I defended her when someone was rude to her).
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| Toscat slumbers. |
She appeared to be reacting to a version of me from the past. No one is particularly protective of me - I think I'd like it if they were. Maybe that's why I'm motivated to protect others? I wonder if being protective could possibly come across as if I'm saying that person is helpless or that they are weak? Wow, I'd never thought of it that way before - you have to ask people what feels like love to them! I don't think standing up for someone means you are saying they're weak, but hey, that's just my view.
The filters she had in place meant that when I was doing things I thought were kind or loving, they didn't occur to her in that way. She was keen for me to understand that she could look after herself. I was amazed as I know full well she can look after herself - she is a person who always lands on her feet! Funnily enough, when I asked how she thought it made me feel to ignore me, she looked surprised and said "I didn't think of how you would feel". Here I am getting into trouble for being too protective of her - but she didn't stop to think about my feelings for a minute?
I asked her to just talk things through with me instead of ignoring me in the future, and she said she would. Sadly the wall came up again this year, and I even though it's painful, I'm trying to handle the situation differently than usual (which is to do less!).
I have no idea what I did or didn't do, but what is certain is that she has gone through Hell recently and cannot take any more stress. One of her family members died from a long illness at the start of the year - one of many challenges in her life. I have seen this amazing friend close down more and more over the years and get angrier and more bitter.
I noticed how easily she could lie to people, cut them off, pretend she cared and then ignore them because she was afraid of confrontation. She even told people she left the country in order to avoid them which meant going to the trouble of changing her phone. There were some cases in which this was justified - but some that were a little off.
She used to put up with a lot of crap from too many arseholes in her life, and now the pendulum had swung the other way. Eventually that pendulum hit me in the face too!
Despite it, I still love her very much and can only hope she is okay. Of course I feel hurt and shocked that someone I have been friends with most of my life won't communicate, but that is her business. She will not tell me what has offended her and won't respond to any of my texts in which I've said I love her and hope she is okay. I like that saying - what other people think of me is none of my business. If she's made up some story (like I'm too protective and some incident from ten years ago is still stuck in her doodad) then fuck me sideways, I can't really win can I?
She used to put up with a lot of crap from too many arseholes in her life, and now the pendulum had swung the other way. Eventually that pendulum hit me in the face too!
Despite it, I still love her very much and can only hope she is okay. Of course I feel hurt and shocked that someone I have been friends with most of my life won't communicate, but that is her business. She will not tell me what has offended her and won't respond to any of my texts in which I've said I love her and hope she is okay. I like that saying - what other people think of me is none of my business. If she's made up some story (like I'm too protective and some incident from ten years ago is still stuck in her doodad) then fuck me sideways, I can't really win can I?
I usually try so hard to make things work with people, but watching *Jera's video was a good reminder to take a step back and be okay with allowing people to go in the direction they choose.Sometimes someone you love chooses to leave your life - or you have to leave them. Usually when people leave me I try to hold on, but now I just don't have the strength for it. I'm saving my strength for the people who do love me and doing my best to gracefully let go of those who wish to be gone.
In addition to the loss of this beautiful connection, I had a misunderstanding turn into a minefield this year! The problem ended up being weather a person is willing to truly communicate with you when things go wrong - and let's face it - as long as we're human things are likely to go a bit pooh from time to time!
The Pooh Minefield ended up being impossible. The person didn't believe me when I attempted to correct some of their assumptions and accusations. I cried for hours, couldn't sleep, and when I did sleep I had nightmares in which I was betrayed by this person and looked at like an insect she wanted to step on. It really was a pooh minefield because the situation was rigged.
Are You A Witch on 'Trial'?
If someone is determined to make you 'the baddie' no amount of crying, reasoning, apologizing or explaining will soften their heart (they probably think you're being manipulative!).
You can't find authenticity once a person has reached this point - all they want to do is make you wrong. Congratulations - you are the witch at trial. The witch at trial is always a witch, the trial is just for performance's sake.
Don't confuse their performance (lots of crazy accusations or whatever it may be) for real communication. If someone really wants to communicate and clear up a problem they won't try to punish or control you.
Once again, the warning signs were there, her life was beyond stressful and the way she dealt with disagreements or conflict was to cut people off or dismiss them as 'crazy'. Usually both!
Are you trying to save a friendship? Take a look at that person's life as well as your own. It is normal to have life challenges, but if your friend is being nasty to you or not communicating when things are difficult then you're dealing with someone who may be terrified of confrontation.
Unexpressed Resentment: In my own experiences, it's the things left unsaid that have led to much bigger problems later on. If I'm annoyed about something, I will sometimes wait and see if I can deal with it and let it go. If I really can't, then I will tell that person, even if it means some short term discomfort.
Dealing with Shit: This leads to incredible growth and joy in that friendship! I know, because it's worked in my other friendships. If a friend saves up all her or his resentment and then spews it out at a later date (and cuts you off), then it's really disappointing and shocking. I personally do not accumulate bags of judgement or resentment as I don't see that as part of being a friend.
I now realise that some people are keeping some kind of invisible Judgement notebook. It feels a bit like Invasion of The Body Snatcher's when someone tells you what a great friend you are and then turns around and shits on you instead of dealing with the shit! Dealllll with the shiiiiiit people!
Going Through A Tough Time: Everyone has something they're dealing with. People have children, jobs, aging parents, annoying or abusive partners, body image issues, drug or alcohol dependency ... the list is endless! I am very lucky to have friends who don't have too many problems as well as ones who do. The ones with a lot of problems may find one more small incident more than they can deal with.
As for me - I finally have a therapist! It's not as common in New Zealand (as it might be in the states) to mention such a thing. Saying that you hope someone 'gets help' can sound like an insult or that you're inferring they are a nut job. These women are not 'nut jobs' but I can see that excess stress and grief over a long period of time is just not sustainable. The cracks begin to show and sometimes that person will lash out, possibly at whoever is an easy target.
My therapist doesn't focus primarily on talk therapy. She used EFT (emotional freedom technique) and TRE (traumatic release exercises) which I have found incredible. She was the one who also helped me realise I don't have to run after abusive people and try and get them to love me. She asked me the right questions!
The Pooh Minefield ended up being impossible. The person didn't believe me when I attempted to correct some of their assumptions and accusations. I cried for hours, couldn't sleep, and when I did sleep I had nightmares in which I was betrayed by this person and looked at like an insect she wanted to step on. It really was a pooh minefield because the situation was rigged.
Are You A Witch on 'Trial'?
If someone is determined to make you 'the baddie' no amount of crying, reasoning, apologizing or explaining will soften their heart (they probably think you're being manipulative!).
You can't find authenticity once a person has reached this point - all they want to do is make you wrong. Congratulations - you are the witch at trial. The witch at trial is always a witch, the trial is just for performance's sake.
Don't confuse their performance (lots of crazy accusations or whatever it may be) for real communication. If someone really wants to communicate and clear up a problem they won't try to punish or control you.
Once again, the warning signs were there, her life was beyond stressful and the way she dealt with disagreements or conflict was to cut people off or dismiss them as 'crazy'. Usually both!
Are you trying to save a friendship? Take a look at that person's life as well as your own. It is normal to have life challenges, but if your friend is being nasty to you or not communicating when things are difficult then you're dealing with someone who may be terrified of confrontation.
Unexpressed Resentment: In my own experiences, it's the things left unsaid that have led to much bigger problems later on. If I'm annoyed about something, I will sometimes wait and see if I can deal with it and let it go. If I really can't, then I will tell that person, even if it means some short term discomfort.
Dealing with Shit: This leads to incredible growth and joy in that friendship! I know, because it's worked in my other friendships. If a friend saves up all her or his resentment and then spews it out at a later date (and cuts you off), then it's really disappointing and shocking. I personally do not accumulate bags of judgement or resentment as I don't see that as part of being a friend.
I now realise that some people are keeping some kind of invisible Judgement notebook. It feels a bit like Invasion of The Body Snatcher's when someone tells you what a great friend you are and then turns around and shits on you instead of dealing with the shit! Dealllll with the shiiiiiit people!
Going Through A Tough Time: Everyone has something they're dealing with. People have children, jobs, aging parents, annoying or abusive partners, body image issues, drug or alcohol dependency ... the list is endless! I am very lucky to have friends who don't have too many problems as well as ones who do. The ones with a lot of problems may find one more small incident more than they can deal with.
As for me - I finally have a therapist! It's not as common in New Zealand (as it might be in the states) to mention such a thing. Saying that you hope someone 'gets help' can sound like an insult or that you're inferring they are a nut job. These women are not 'nut jobs' but I can see that excess stress and grief over a long period of time is just not sustainable. The cracks begin to show and sometimes that person will lash out, possibly at whoever is an easy target.
My therapist doesn't focus primarily on talk therapy. She used EFT (emotional freedom technique) and TRE (traumatic release exercises) which I have found incredible. She was the one who also helped me realise I don't have to run after abusive people and try and get them to love me. She asked me the right questions!
If someone is going through enormous amounts of stress that they may not be able to behave like their 'normal self''. Does this mean you should accept being abused?
As *Jera Sky mentions in her vlog, our homes (our bodies, our minds) should be a place where we can find peace. If someone is really critical and unkind then we don't have to take it. Yes, of course we will have disagreements and misunderstandings with people - but let's take a leaf out of Alain De Botton's book (I don't know which one!) and not expect any human being to take all of who we are.
In the past I have made the mistake of expecting people to take all of me - but even I can't do that with me! Ha! I do tend to be very tolerant of a high degree of crazyaroonies (aw shucks, it's just a talent) but not the kind of crazy that is often cruel.
In the past I have made the mistake of expecting people to take all of me - but even I can't do that with me! Ha! I do tend to be very tolerant of a high degree of crazyaroonies (aw shucks, it's just a talent) but not the kind of crazy that is often cruel.
If someone is abusive then it's time to let them go - even if they are sometimes really fun, intelligent or interesting! Hindsight is just a dandy isn't it? ;)
* Jera Sky is a Youtuber and an amazing young woman who really inspires me with her full on energy, love and vulnerability. She's a minimalist vegan traveler (the opposite of me!) and I just adore her. She makes me laugh, think and consider how to make life better for myself and those around me. Check out what she shares via Youtube. She did one about Emotional/Physical abuse and her pain regarding this really moved me which led to this overshare!
* Jera Sky is a Youtuber and an amazing young woman who really inspires me with her full on energy, love and vulnerability. She's a minimalist vegan traveler (the opposite of me!) and I just adore her. She makes me laugh, think and consider how to make life better for myself and those around me. Check out what she shares via Youtube. She did one about Emotional/Physical abuse and her pain regarding this really moved me which led to this overshare!
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