Hoarding and Mysterious Guilt ...

The view sitting in bed, July 2015 ...

Dear Beasts of Love, we'll never really 'get there' because there is always over there, right? That's true, and what's also true for me is a balance between doing and being. Any time I would try to make inroads with my 'stuff' a low lying cloud of mysterious guilt would weigh me down. It whispered things like 'but that's a waste', or 'you might need that one day' and 'oh that was a gift' and was sure to convince me of the value of everything. Mysterious guilt is a persistent love; you can't throw things away or let go of anything because it might mean you don't care. What could be worse than not caring? Well the paradox of course, is that by holding on, I end up creating an environment that doesn't measure up to the standard of peace, clarity, practicality and healing that I say I want to share with others.

I'm not one of those dead-cat-in-the-bottom-of-the-pile hoarders, but my actual situation versus the amount of stuff I have was no longer working. Sure, I will live in roomier quarters one day, but one day is not today.  The mysterious guilt turned out to be dealing with an underlying hoard of low self worth. I know. Really? Me?

Logically I know that I am as worth while as anyone else. The problem was that I placed too much weight in being worthwhile by being useful or showing someone else that they are worthwhile! When there isn't much 'need' for me ... then what am I worth? Not much it turns out! This blind spot was uncovered through two parts: a person from Landmark Education asked me a few pertinent questions, and then last week I went and saw a woman who does healing work that includes Kinesiology (also referred to as 'muscle testing' and probably 'scientifically' unproven, but I don't care). I found her approach excellent; the session was a gift from a lovely friend of mine and well appreciated.

Something I have noticed as I work on self worth is how much kinder and more generous my friends are than some of the ones from the past. Some of the shit I accepted from 'friends' in my 20's I can't imagine tolerating now, but I stuck with it because that's what you do when you have to keep proving your worth. Sadly, such people are also in the same boat, also feeling a lack of self worth. They might show it by being a taker or putting people down. I had one such friend in my 20's who had a massive tantrum, going red in the face, screaming that I was a stupid fucking cunt and storming down the street because I was 8 minutes late to meet her. We continued to be friends because I promised I would make a real effort to not be late again, and she admitted that perhaps her reaction was a little bit over the top. I stuck with her even after many incidences of abuse and unkindness, and in the end she dropped me when I went through a terrible depression. This was preceded by years of her discomfort that I wasn't earning much money and no longer fitted into her expensive world.  That was more than a decade ago -  I am so grateful for the journey I've been on since. I was so hurt and couldn't understand how a 'friend' could do this; I failed to recognise that I had attracted what I thought I deserved. I didn't consciously go around with 'cunt' written all over my forehead and ask people to kick me in the face, but somewhere along the line people were getting that message and complying. So now I'm changing the message and my whole environment is changing with me. Form Hoarder to Magical Minimal! My idea of minimal will not be what the minimalism movement is about; I will always enjoy having stuff, but I intend to make it fit in with my life rather than overtake it. Are you a hoarder that's also finally letting go? Love to hear from you!

For further inspiration check out minimalism blogs and youtube posts, I'm finding them really inspiring.

P.S, I love my mixed bag of sweets and they include Eckhart Tolle, Albert Einstein, John DeMartini, Caroline (hard arse at times) Myss, Deepak Chopra and Abraham Hicks.

Taken in July 2015: let the declutter begin!